What my Autism is to me


Staff member
Jul 9, 2023
i don't exhibit many common signs of Autism, because they were forced out of me at an early age, for being wired or different. i remember an example at Sweat Winter Day Care (run by the local college, UMF, and staffed by students), where i used to love walking around on my toes. but they kept telling me to "walk flat on my feet, like normal". and that is why i think, today, i have severe Emotional Dysregulation. because i was forced to hide so much of who i was, i block off my emotions as well, leading to unregulated emotional "explosions" that i literally don't know how to control.
for example: the other day, a guy cut me off in traffic. rather than cursing at them like a "normal" person, i snapped and did a couple of donuts in the middle of the road. seems funny you may think? it was an immediate impulsive reaction, without thinking. no looking for other traffic, or pedestrians. i could have killed someone, or even myself! that is the point!
i have a Psych Doc appointment to discuss this in a few days to see how to better manage it. i also know now that the ER won't lock me in a padded room. they will simply give me medication to help me calm down, so i don't hurt myself, anyone else, or anything else.
my past mode of "explosion" has never hurt anybody else, but i have destroyed a lot of my property. like stereos, walls, doors, etc.. but i worry if i may start... what then?
I also have Depression. do i have Suicidal ideations? yes, many times a day, but i rarely make plans to act upon these ideas.
I have been worried about me being misinterpreted, when i have a meltdown again. so i thought i would get a Medic-Alert bracelet. I am getting a QR code one from Medical ID Bracelet | MyID The Ultimate Medical ID System (https://getmyid.com/) with a sleeve on it for Autism, so at a glance, first responders can tell i have Autism, and can scan the QR code to get my info, if i am unable or unwilling to provide it. the bracelet will be blue, for Autism. even though i know there are negative things related to "light it up blue", it is a recognized Autism color.

oh, and just for those that think Autism is an unfair "label"... it is not a "label"... it is a diagnosis! there is a difference!

that's similar to labeling my meltdowns as a "temper tantrum". a temper tantrum has a goal, so the toddler can get what it wants. when i have a meltdown, it is because i can not control my emotions, because they are too strong. yes, it may be scary or uncomfortable for you to be around... but i have news for you... it certainly is not any fun for me. it can be downright terrifying to lose control of oneself. like watching a scary movie, destroy my life, and there is nothing i know to stop it!
after my last meltdown, i was so scared, i was ready to sell my truck! i still haven't driven it yet, since my meltdown. though i have a psych doc appointment tomorrow, so i HAVE to drive to get there. i just hope for everybody, that all goes well. ...well, i did drive it around the driveway just to fill up my tires as they were a little slack on air, but i didn't take it out on the road. to be honest, i am a little scared...
granted, i don't feel the high pressure built up, i feel fairly well regulated, i think. i think it will be fine, but i don't really know.
just got back from my Psych Doc visit, and i think it went real well. maybe the sleep, or lack thereof, is causing it, so we changed to a different sleep med. also, i got a Rx for a "rescue calming drug", so if i am in an unregulated state, where i am about to lose control (at home), i can take a pill and go to bed to calm down. this is to help avoid a trip to the ER, unless i run out of "rescue" pills. i think i only get two, but i hope i don't need them at all.

really looking forward to spring so i can do some light day hiking... get back in shape and burn off some energy. would be great if i could get my old mountain bike ride-able again...
well, my new night med so far is a flop... last night, i didn't sleep at all. not a wink, that i remember. just laying there, whiling away the hours, as i do during the day. i messaged my Psych Doc, and she said to double the night med tonight and see how that goes.

something i noticed... due to always having conversations in my head prior to an encounter, just to plan ahead on the conversations... i often get pissed off at somebody, over a conversation in MY head... not even a real one...

i messaged Northern Lights to see if they knew of a used mountain bike, but have yet to hear back from them... i doubt i will. why would anybody want to help ME get a mountain bike? i am just an old fat Autistic guy...
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Hmmm, i think pressure is building again. i don't know how to stop it from building... i don't like this...
i have no more relief-valve... all it does is build pressure... simmer, cool a bit, build more... and so on. it never loses pressure unless it pops. how do i keep it cool enough not to build pressure?
i got my new Medic-Alert bracelet today (from this post: What my Autism is to me (https://www.tjfhome.net/community/index.php?threads/what-my-autism-is-to-me.12/post-63) ). i like it, and it is comfortable. :)

lately, i think my mother has been inviting me out to lunch, just to get me out of the house... and i don't argue, as i do need to get out more. staying isolated at home is not good for me. i need to experience more people than just family.

my good friend SH has invited me out for a lunch sometime, too. not sure how expensive it is, but i have been to the Dugout in town a few times, and they have good food. but there is always BK, KFC, and Pizza Hut too. :) as long as it doesn't get too loud, i can eat almost anywhere.

i still keep obsessing with the idea of getting out and mountain-biking again. it would be great to share adventures with somebody, but if need be, i always used to ride alone. but bikes are expensive now. what used to be a $300 bike, would now cost over $4k. and yet the quality is cheaper... go figure...
when i was growing up, i had a documented writing disability... yet i do all this blogging... how is that? because i never had a TYPING disability. typing is just pushing a button to generate a letter or symbol. writing is moving a hand in a very complex motion to do so. thus, i can easily type. when i was a kid, we had a Commodore 128 (step up from the 64). i remember i could type out line after line of code... and still not do a bit of homework... ;)
Why am i unemployed? i used to work for my father as a carpenter. i had a hard time dealing with the noise and hustle of the job, but i did my work, for over 10 years. then, we were sub-contracting for a guy, CJ. that day was a lot of noise with saws, nailers, drills, and yes, even a jack-hammer right beside me. i had ear plugs, but they were not enough. i was very overwhelmed, and had to take a moment to re-focus. well, CJ spotted this, and laid into me up one side, and down the other, chewing me out about not doing what i was supposed to be doing. i had ALL i could do not to go into full meltdown right there. instead, i remained silent, let him say his piece, and when he walked away, i told my father i would never again work for that guy.
as my father is nearing retirement, he still subs for CJ, and i remain unemployed. but i learned from that... whom is more important to my father... his friend CJ, or his own son.
One of my sensitivities is sound. at some frequencies, my hearing is very sensitive. i swear if it was quiet enough, i could likely hear a squirrel fart a block away. :ROFLMAO: so if i am trying to decompress, i have to wear ear plugs, and sometimes even headphones over those to block out the annoying noises. and yet, i can still just make out conversation with all that on... go figure.

another sensitivity is water on the face. ever since i was a child, i have hated water on my face. just picture how annoying and frustrating it is for me to take a shower...

another one is tags on clothing. some i can deal with, but others... they have to be tag-less, or will soon be tag-less. ;)

foods is a big sensitivity. if the sensation in my mouth is wrong, than the food may as well be raw to me.

being touched by people is a sorta sensitivity. some people, are fine, some are not. some touch is fine for some groups, not for others. it really is rather complicated... some mistakes i tolerate, others i will let you know when a line has been crossed... ;) kinda depends on your intent, situation, and so on...
Hmmm, can't wait for spring...
i have hopes to get out walking/hiking on some trails i used to mountain-bike on in my youth. mainly to help burn off some energy. Autistic's sometimes need to stimulate their body/mind to help regulate. my solution is to do raw energy burning, and it also helps generate endorphins, that feel good.
so my plan is this: i have a good hiking pack i can use to carry water and a few snacks... and maybe a folding chair when i get pooped out. :rolleyes: but the idea is to pack as light as i can to start. as i slowly get my fitness back, i can add weight, just for ballast. the idea being eventually i can toss a tent in there and escape for a weekend. :D
i have a backpacking stove and fuel bottle, though i may upgrade by the time i can use it. then i will have a backup... ;)
i have also been thinking about getting a part-time job, not just to pay bills, but for something to do. the money will help too... i still want to get my CNC router sign making going, too, but i can't see that as constant work. more like once in a great while type work.
as my fitness gets better, it would be great to have a hiking buddy. though i doubt there are many people ready to go for a quick hike at the drop of a hat... i tend to be a little impulsive... but don't get me wrong, i do plan. sometimes i plan, out the wazoo. and yes, i am a little OCD, too... just a little. ;) :rolleyes: ;) but one thing i don't do, is plan CORRECTLY. i plan for everything, but what actually happens.
it is like i have some sort of fantasy world of planning. i get an idea in my head, and center everything around it, and all my plans focus on that one scenario, or various possibilities of it. so i buy supplies based on those plans... and then NONE of them happen, and i am left with useless supplies. that is how most of my projects go...
so this one, my plan is to sorta wing it. i have never done that before... and the prospect is very foreign.
so, my mother thinks that i keep going into these Fugue states (dissociative fugue), but after looking those up, those are entirely incorrect, because i am simply in a deep pensive state (deep thought). i am simply thinking about stuff, deeply. that is why i get so irritable when i get interference from noises, or whatever (cat playing...). this processing time allows me to think through stuff my mind is working on.

when i was inpatient mental-health, i was on Haloperidol for a period, for paranoia... and i hated it. i could not form a cohesive thought if i went to hell. it was like ADHD X1000, no kidding, and no stimulants. it made me groggy actually. but my brain was still running full ADHD speed, no full thoughts, like there was 1000 different thoughts all fighting for the same processor, without even being able to keep track of what thought is going where. so yeah, i DID NOT LIKE Haloperidol!

i have tried two places looking for a job... both places shot me down. both cases, without even meeting them.

people think i can't hear as well as i can, but i can hear what people say about me from the other rooms in the house... and no, it is not paranoia, it is sensitive hearing... :rolleyes:

Indian (India) folk metal about suicide, and how to stay strong and survive.

"is there anybody out there looking out for me? just say you want me. just say you need me."
the job prospects are not panning out, as i keep getting shot down at every turn. it is looking like my plan of making my way with my CNC machine is going to be my only way. i have some ideas, but i am not posting them here as web skimmers look at my pages frequently for information.
just know that i plan on making things with my CNC machine, and selling them.

so, i plan on doing this all the legal way. so i will start by posting in FB marketplace or something. get some word-of-mouth going. and handle all my transactions via Cash or PayPal, as i already have a PayPal merchant account, i think. i will stick to LOCAL buyers to start, so i will have to charge Maine sales tax, and will have to find out how to do that. plan on using the same name as my web domain, so that is easy. then i will have to setup a "company phone" number on my VoIP system so i can take messages (or answer if available). if nothing else, the phone system can help filter some SPAM for me.
i don't plan on having my own "store front" for people to browse, but instead have a website detailing how to order, what can be ordered, and take the orders in person either by phone, mail, or email, and have the person pay when they pick up the order (by appointment, preferred). so i will need some sort of shopping cart system made up, with inventory tracking. there does not need to be a payment option, as payment is at pickup. (will be noted on order form) perhaps PayPal can prepay... i think, but i am not sure, that PayPal can process credit/debt cards for non-members, but i will have to check into that.
Sometimes i have to wonder... and then it makes perfect sense, why i have zero friends... i realized how annoying i must be to everybody.